


Alana in Wonderland

by Platypus4ever



Category: Hannibal (TV)
Genre: Crazy Tea Party, Everyone is Crazy!, Fed up Alana, Gen, General craziness, Lewis Carroll's Wonderland, Mention of beheading but nothing gore, Slight reference to Nostalgia Critic, Someone Helps Alana Bloom, Talking Animals, Will&Hannibal friendship, trial
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-10
Updated: 2016-04-15
Packaged: 2018-05-25 21:39:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6211132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Platypus4ever/pseuds/Platypus4ever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While trying to follow Jack into a strange place, Alana find herself in a crazy world where everyone she knows act crazily. All she wants is to find her boss…and maybe go home, but in the land of madness, the sane ones can find themselves quickly endangered. Characters of the shows are now characters of Wonderland!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Alana in Wonderland**

 

**While trying to follow Jack into a strange place, Alana find herself in a crazy world where everyone she knows act crazily. All she wants is to find her boss…and maybe go home, but in the land of madness, the sane ones can find themselves quickly endangered. Characters of the shows are now characters of Wonderland!**

 

It had been a busy day for Alana Bloom. She had to do some house chores before going to work, and now they were working on a hard case, trying to interrogate a suspect who was pretty hard to break. Plus she and Will had to ride to Baltimore Hospital for some data and they met Freddie Lounds on the way, she had been as bitchy as usual, thankfully, they avoided her questions pretty well. Then Frederick Chilton had been pretty much of a douche and she had a hard time keeping her control. Now she was sitting on a chair in Crawford’s office, she wanted to speak to him but he was obviously late. What was he doing? She was really tired and she just wished to go home.

So when Jack entered the room, she was relieved to see him but he paid no attention to her and just searched for something in his drawers, he seemed in a fuzzy state. She noticed he was wearing a white jacket, which was weird, she never saw him with one before.

“Oh were did I put it?” “Jack, I wanted to...”

“I can’t, I’m late, I’m really late!”

Alana was dumbfounded. What was he talking about? Did he had to meet his superior? Was his wife in trouble?

“Late for what?”

“I don’t have time to explain, I’m late, I’m really late!”

He took out a big and old fashioned pocket watch, and this only added to her surprise, she would have never thought Jack would possess something like this. He ran out of his office and she was outraged and began to run after him. She waited for him here for a long time, she wasn’t going to let him leave like that!

“Hey! I was waiting for you; I have to speak with you! Where are you going?!”

“I’m late, I’m really late!”

“For God’s sake!”

He ran outside and she kept following him, wondering where the hell he was going. When she saw him heading toward a big tree and plunge into a big hole in it, she wondered what the hell was happening.

“What could he be doing in a tree? I have to find out.”

She jumped into the hole, thinking naturally that it wasn’t very deep, because Jack wouldn’t have jumped into a big hole. Only he did, he definitely did! She screamed as she realized her feet weren’t touching anything and instead she was falling into darkness.

“Help! Jack!”

She couldn’t hear anything but strangely, she started to fall less and less quickly, soon enough, she found herself floating more than falling, she was going down slowly. It was alien, but kind of nice.

“Well, that’s curious.”

She bumped against something and saw a very feeble light. Touching it, she understood it was a gas-lamp and turned it on. Then, she realised the hole she was in was filled with many objects, tables, pendulums and clocks, lot and lots of pendulums and clocks. There also some shelves with books and ornaments, some lamps of different colors were now enlightening this strange place. She looked up and couldn’t see the hole she fell into. Everything was floating, only she was going down slowly.

“Well, they certainly messed up the gravity, it’s a weird way of transport, but well, I have to admit it’s efficient. Oh why am I thinking out loud? Maybe it’s good to reassure myself, I must say I’m not so reassured. Jack never told me about that place.”

Suddenly, she finally touched the floor, with no pain. She was in a strange room; the walls were painted like a messed up chess board with different colors and the doors had askew angles. She didn’t take time to ponder over this however as she saw Jack running away and passing through one of those doors.

“Jack! Wait for me!”

She took the same door as he did and found herself in an empty room with nothing but a table and a very small door. How would have Jack passed through that door? She definitely couldn’t and she was smaller than him. She checked out but there was no other door but the small one and the one she used to enter.

“Well, what can I do now? I have to find him, this is all strange. Where can he be going like this?”

She looked at the table and saw something on it: a small key and a glass bottle. She supposed it was the key to the small door, but she couldn’t tell what the bottle was for. There was a tag with ‘ _Drink me_ ’ written on it. She shrugged and drank after taking the small key. Suddenly, she felt a weird sensation and it seemed like the room, the table and the small door were growing bigger. Then she suddenly realized she was shrinking! The glass bottle fell to the floor and thankfully it didn’t break.

“Oh my God!” She yelled.

Once it was over, she realized she was the right size to pass through the door. Thankfully she kept the key with her.

“Well, I’m lucky my clothes also shrink, but it’s weird, did Jack do this?”

She took the key and opened the door with it and all she could see when she did was a big wave of water coming at her. She thought of closing the door but it was too late. The water invaded the room and Alana just had time to grab the empty bottle which was now bigger than her to have something to float. She was carried away violently by the water and when her head was out of it, she was clinging at the top of the bottle, and she was in the middle of a sea, everything else had disappeared.


	2. Chapter 2

**Alana in Wonderland**

 

As she looked around to see where the hell she was, Alana realized she was pretty much a castaway, the room she was in before had completely disappeared, and still no traces of Jack! He would have to give her a good explanation when she would find him! But how could she find him?

“I don’t know where the closest shore is…Oh if only I knew where I should go!”

Then she was stunned as she saw three giants mice on a small boat, they were wearing eccentric Victorian dresses and little bows on their ears.

“Are they really that big, or is it an impression because I’m smaller? And who the hell made dresses for mice? Whatever. Hey! Here!”

The three mice looked at her, with an annoyed look.

“Please, can you tell me where the shore is?”

“Oh, you little airhead, you just have to follow us, this just another inundation!” Said one of them with a pink dress.

“Have you seen a FBI agent around? Big, tall, black and wearing a white jacket?”

“What is this nonsense, there is no such thing as...agents?”

“Oh sorry, I should have thought mice wouldn’t know that, is this land the country of mice?”

The three of them threw her an offended face and gasped in outrage.

“Who do you call mice you silly, insolent girl?! We are three honorable ladies, and you are lucky we deigned talking to you!”

With that, they turned their heads away and continued to sail. Alana was taken aback by this. They really weren’t agreeable.

“Well, I’m pretty sure I’m seeing mice, and dresses won’t change that. Honorable ladies...Then they should learn their manners!” She muttered to herself

But she didn’t think much about that as she saw the shore. She was relieved; riding on a bottle floating on the sea wasn’t exactly her favorite activity, when she finally put a feet on the sand she smiled in relief but this smile soon faded away when she saw none other than Abel Gideon standing on a rock while people and animals dressed like people were running around it.

“Come one everyone, faster! You’ll never be dry if you don’t run faster!”

He wasn’t wearing a prisoner outfit but a quite ridiculous purple suit with a big eccentric neck bow. He saw her and pointed her with his finger:

“Hey, here young lady! You have to participate, or else you won’t be dry!”

“What are you doing here Gideon?”

“How is it you called me?”

“Well, Gideon. That’s your name, Abel Gideon.”

“Certainly not, what a silly name! People call me Dodo, it’s much more dignifying!”

“Hum...Well, have you seen...”

“You have to run with us! Otherwise, you won’t be dry, and that’s certainly rude!”

“I’m sorry but I don’t have any wish to run. I have to find someone...”

“No, that’s won’t do! You have to do like us; otherwise, we will consider you rude and strange!”

She was about to protest but then saw Jack coming of the water, sailing on a bigger pocket watch. She called for his name and ran after him, ignoring Gideon’s calls for her. She ran after him and they entered the woods. Though she tried her best to run as fast as he did, Alana lost sight of him. For God’s sake, where was he?! She sighed heavily and saw a path in the earth, maybe Jack followed it, she could see footprints, she didn’t know if those belonged to Jack but she had nowhere else to go.

“Well, I guess I’ll follow this one.”

She walked on it until she saw a small house. Maybe she could ask someone her way, of if they had seen Jack. It looked like an English cottage, except the angles were askew, but it was quite pretty actually. She walked to the house when she heard a voice:

“Bella!”

It was Jack! She tapped at the door and saw him open.

“Jack I...”

“You’re not Bella, where is she?”

“I don’t know...”

“Whatever, help me find the queen’s gloves!”

“The queen’s gloves?”

“Yes! Move on!”

With that he pushed her inside and to the stairs. She wanted to protest, but Jack wouldn’t let her, bossy as usual.

“Go now! I have to get ready!”

Alana was really dumbfounded but he disappeared into another corridor, so she sighed and went upstairs, the house was strange, it was also askew inside, even the furniture. That’s certainly not how she imagined his house. She entered a room and saw it was a bedroom with a lot of shelves and clocks.

“Well, I guess I’ll look into the drawers.”

She opened one and a small box drew her attention, she opened it and saw some biscuits. She shrugged, she was hungry.

“Well, if I help looking for gloves, I have every right to take a biscuit.”

She eat one, those were delicious but then, she felt a weird sensation and the room grew smaller and smaller.

“Oh oh.”

She was growing bigger and she felt her growing foot and arms destroy the walls, the roof was more solid obviously, because she had to bow her head to fit in the room.

“Ouch! Oh I should have known!”

She could see outside and Jack appeared in her eye sight.

“My house! What monster came into my house?!”

“It’s just me; I eat one of your cake!”

Jack disappeared out of sight, and Alana looked around wondering what she could do now. She was stuck in this house which was way too small and Jack was decidedly not listening to her! She saw him come back and was stunned to see Abigail Hobbs at his side. She looked scared when she saw Alana, she had a gardener outfit and was holding a rake.

“What is this monster?”

“I don’t know, but I want you to get it out, as a gardener, it’s your job.”

“Of course, but I never did that before, maybe I should pull it out by the fireplace?”

She approached and Alana felt even more desperate. Jack just left, declaring he would find other gloves.

“Abigail, it’s me, Alana.”

“My name is Little Jill, and I don’t know you, I don’t hang out with ugly monsters.”

“I’m not ugly, and you just need to shrink me so I can have my normal size back.”

“Oh that’s a good idea! Once you’ll be smaller, I’ll just crush you with my rake!”

“What! Wait, no!”

Abigail (or little Jill) went in the garden and came back with some peas in her hand which she put into Alana’s giant one. Though she didn’t want to be crushed by a rake, she had to be smaller, so she swallowed the peas and grew smaller and smaller. It was a relief first but it didn’t shrink her to her previous size, in fact it didn’t stop until she was all tiny and the room around her looked gigantic. She was as tiny as a mouse! Now this place which simply looked odd previously was definitely threatening.

“Oh no, I shouldn’t have eat everything, now she is definitely going to crush me!”

As she said that she felt the ground shake slightly and Abigail (or little Jill as she called herself) came in the room and threw her giant rake at her. Alana screamed and ran away, jumping each step of the stairs while avoiding the blows.

“Out ugly monster! Out! I’m gonna crush you!”

“Stop that! I’m too small to hurt anyone!”

“Die, ugly monster!”

Alana reached the door and ran into the garden which also seemed gigantic but it was for the best because she could easily hide. She hid among plants and heard Little Jill’s yells of rage.

“Go out of that garden, ugly monster! I don’t want you to damage it! You pest!”

Alana was hiding among flowers when the gardener finally got interested by something else. She looked around; it was definitely a nice garden.

“Well, she is acting weird for sure, but she is a good gardener. But I’d rather get out of here.”

She left the garden and saw Jack from afar, she decided to go in the same direction as him, she had to know what was happening, so she entered the beautiful meadow he was currently crossing.


	3. Chapter 3

**Alana in Wonderland**

 

She was pretty sure she saw Jack crossing this meadow but being small as she was, it wasn’t easy to know where she was exactly and if she was going in the good direction or not, she couldn’t even see above the grass. Maybe she would find something here to make her grow up, but what? While she was walking, she came across very weird butterflies, they had pretty wings but bat heads.

“What kind of bat can fly around during the day?”

But she was interrupted in her reflection when she saw a strange smoke. Was this a fire? She’d rather do something about it quickly, because if the meadow was to take fire, she would have problems. Plus she had the feeling she should go and see, maybe it was made by someone or some creature smart enough to make a fire, whatever, they might be able to help. She followed the smoke and what she saw stunned her: there, on a red mushroom, smoking from a hookah was Hannibal Lecter, lying carelessly. She went to him immediately and wondered if he would recognize her. She climbed on the mushroom and he threw her an annoyed look as he saw her.

“Hannibal! Since when do you smoke this?”

“I don’t think I invited you on my mushroom, you’re rude.”

“I’m sorry, but I am in need for help.”

“And what is this you call me?”

“Hannibal, it’s your name.”

“No, I don’t have a name. I’m just the Caterpillar. What is it you need help for? I’m the one everyone comes to look out for help, I don’t know why, it’s actually rather annoying.”

Alana sighed. What the hell was wrong with everyone today? Well at least he was proposing her some help, wasn’t trying to crush her with a rake and she was relieved to see someone else she knew well. She refused the hookah when he proposed it and just sat at his side. He was wearing one of his usual suits, which made it even weirder considering he was in a meadow, on a mushroom, with a hookah. Wasn’t he worried that it could get dirty?

“Well, I don’t know, things are being weird today, I can’t find Jack, and I keep changing size.”

“Who is this Jack?”

“His house is near; he was searching for some gloves for the queen.”

“Oh, I see who you are talking about. But I didn’t saw him around. What do you mean by things are weird?”

“I just can’t figure out why everything is so strange. I can’t even remember what I was doing first. But I know I have to find Jack, I want to know where he is going, yet I forget why I wanted to see him so badly in the first place. I keep having strange thoughts also. Earlier I was wondering about those butterflies with bats heads, I thought that they couldn’t fly during the day, because bats can’t do that. But do I really care? So why do I think of it?”

“Especially when everyone knows bat-butterflies can perfectly fly during the day,” Hannibal said. “You have indeed strange and useless thoughts, young lady.”

“Also, I keep changing size and it’s very frustrating. I should be much taller but I’m as small as a mouse.”

At this, Hannibal just looked offended and annoyed. Alana realized she had a tendency to annoy people lately, though it wasn’t her intention.

“There is nothing wrong with such a size. That’s the problem with people today, they just want to grow bigger and bigger, and before they know it, they just explode.”

“I don’t want to explode; I just want to grow tall enough to catch up Jack.”

“Fine, if you insist. See the white mushroom here? It will make you grow taller, and the red one will make you grow smaller.”

“Thanks, I guess.”

She went down and took a piece of each mushroom. She carefully licked the white one and felt herself grew bigger immediately, but she wasn’t big enough, so she took a second lick and then she got way too tall again, she could have hardly walked into the forest without hurting herself to the tree branches! So she touched the black mushroom very carefully with her tongue and she finally got a normal size.

“Ah! Finally! Thank you Hannibal, if you can hear me!”

She saw Jack’s house from afar and took the opposite way. That was probably where he went, she eventually entered the woods and saw a path she decided to follow because she had nothing else to do. The forest was pretty dense and filled with little things that made it truly strange, like a clock in a tree, or signs that pointed toward nonsensical directions like ‘bird’s nest’ or ‘hole in the tree’. She also noticed the path were of different colors as if someone just died those, the one she had started to take was magenta and she decided to go on with it, but there were others, red, blue, pink, orange or green. It was a strange idea to dye paths, putting signs which indicated clear directions would have been much better. At least, it was giving to the forest a…colorful aspect; she couldn’t deny that. Yet she was still not seeing Jack anywhere and she was starting to wonder where she should go.

“How can I be sure he took that direction? If only he let me talk when I was at his house…At least I wouldn’t be here searching for him, and…”

“Are you lost?”

The sudden voice made her jump out in surprise; she looked around and saw no one. It seemed that this voice was familiar but she couldn’t see anyone. What the hell? Where people invisible now? Well at least it would explain why she wasn’t seeing anybody.

“Up there.”

She raised her head to see Will Graham in a tree, lying lazily on a branch. He was grinning widely at her.

“Oh! Will, what are you doing here?”

“Hi! What did you call me?”

“I called you Will, and don’t tell me it’s not your name! I’m tired of people changing names”

“I don’t have a name. I’m just a normal cat, without a name.”

This just stunned Alana, what the hell? Why would Will think he is a cat? If anything, Will owned dogs, so it would have been more logical for him to pretend to be one. But maybe she should have predicted it, the man was like cat at times in the way she perceived him, he was nice but impossible to really tame, ready to scratch you and leave if he wasn’t pleased, secretive, unwilling to show what could go in his mind, not really social, more comfortable when he was alone on his territory. Yet this was ridiculous, Will shouldn’t be climbing trees like that pretending to be a damn feline!

“A cat? You’re not a cat! You’re a man. You have no cat ear or tail, you have clothes and legs and arms.”

“Sorry miss, whoever you are. I’m certainly not a man, I’m a cat. Look, it’s simple; cats like to climb in trees, right?”

“Yes.”

“Well I love climbing into trees; therefore, I’m a cat! A Cheshire cat to be more precise.”

Alana was taken aback by such a weird logic but felt it would have been useless to try to convince Will otherwise. It was just so frustrating.

“Oh Lord, everyone is acting crazy here!”

“Of course, it’s because everyone is crazy here! Aren’t you?”

“No, I’m not!”

His grin faded and he looked almost sorry.

“Well, that’s bad. You shouldn’t have come here then.”

“I was following Jack, he is not crazy either. Though I must admit he acted strangely too.”

“Who is Jack?”

She resisted the urge to stomp her foot, she sighed but gathered patience and took upon herself to explain things calmly.

“Oh you know him, you work with him. He was searching for gloves for the queen, if I understood well. I tried to help him but I...I just destroyed his house. He was wearing a white jacket.”

“I don’t work for anyone, I’m a cat. And I know who you are talking about, he is not called Jack, it’s the Black Rabbit.”

“The Black Rabbit?”

“Yes.”

Alana sighed, she didn’t know what was wrong today, but if Abigail was a gardener, Gideon a dodo, Will a cat and Hannibal a caterpillar smoking a hookah, Jack could definitely be a rabbit.

“Okay, so he is a rabbit and you’re a cat,” she said in blasé voice. “Well, do you know where he is?”

“No, but I think you should go see the Hatter.”

“What Hatter? Where is he?”

“Well, just follow the direction, silly.”

He showed her a sign which indicated ‘Mad Hatter’s house’. There were so many weird signs that she didn’t pay attention to this one. Alana was quite worried. Why was Will sending her to this person, whoever or whatever they were?

“Why should I see them? Especially if they are mad?”

“Well, I told you, everyone here is mad. If you don’t accept to be mad like everyone, you’ll find yourself alone. Plus they are friends with the rabbit.”

“Wait, what do you mean by they?”

“The March hare and the Dormouse, they are having a tea party.”

“Okay, well then...”

She interrupted herself when she realized Will was starting to fade away until he completely disappeared. Where did he go? And since when could he do that? And why was he saying he was a cat, even if he was similar to a feline, Will loved dogs, not cats!

“Well, if everyone is crazy here, I guess I’ll have other surprises of that kind!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here is the reference to Nostalgia Critic with the Black Rabbit, from his review of Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland. I really recommend it and his channel in general. 
> 
> Let me know what you thought of this chapter, and the story in general, I'm always glad to have constructive reviews!


	4. Chapter 4

Alana followed the direction the sign was giving through the woods, just as Will told her, though she wondered if the advices of a man thinking he was a cat were really good to follow.  Eventually she found herself before a house and saw ‘Mad Hatter’ written on the garden door. Well at least she wouldn’t be wrong about that. The house was surrounded by big and high hedges; she couldn’t see what was in the garden. She heard people chattering and loud bangs and wondered what it was. Alana pushed the garden’s door and came in. There she was stunned to see Brian Zeller wearing fake bunny ears, Beverly Katz with a big top hat on her head and Jimmy Price sleeping on a chair, his head on the table. There were several cup of teas, much more than three persons needed, as well as several teapots. What the hell?! Alana knew she shouldn’t be surprised by anything anymore but she couldn’t help it. Beverly saw her first:

“Ah, an intruder!”

“No, it’s a guess, she comes for some tea,” retorted Brian.

“I’m sorry if I am bothering you, I was sent here by the...The cat, the Cheshire Cat.”

Beverly stood up abruptly, hitting the table in the process. It was a miracle that the tea pots and the tea cups didn’t break, however it woke up Price. She went to Alana immediately and seized her shoulder to lead her at the table.

“Well then, sit down! Sit down with us!”

 Alana accepted, the fuzzy and overly enthusiastic behavior coming from Beverly was a bit scary. The woman was usually cheerful but not overexcited like this. She sat on a chair at her side.

“Do you enjoy tea? I hope you do!”

“Will it make me grow up or shrink?”

“Certainly not, since when does tea do that?” Brian asked in disbelief.

“There are many things that change your sizes, peas, biscuits, mushrooms, slugs, potatoes...”

Jimmy started to make a list, but he was interrupted by a loud bang from Brian which made the tea cups jumps again. Alana grabbed hers carefully while letting Beverly pour her some tea. She remembered the names Will gave her and tried to sort out who was who.

“So, you are the Mad Hatter, I guess you with the ears are the March Hare, and you, the sleepy head the Dormouse,” Alana summed up.

“Oh yes, he is a sleepy head!” Beverly exclaimed while laughing.

“I just have a problem with my sleeping habits,” Jimmy retorted. “Why would it matter anyway? It’s not as if I could hurt my head…;”

With that, his head fell loudly on the table, making it shake. Alana was quite worried, but the two other didn’t seem to share that feeling.

“It’s okay, we always wake him up with a good bang on the table. We also interrupt some of its rants, because it’s annoying!” Zeller explained.

He punctuated those words with another loud bang and Beverly mimicked him, and the two of them laughed madly while Jimmy raised his head again, he seemed puzzled and hardly awake. Taking a sip of tea, Alana was reassured to see she wasn’t going through body modifications again. It was actually quite good. She then remembered she wasn’t here for tea but to find Jack, or the Black Rabbit, it was probably a better idea to call him like that from now on, because they would probably not know who she was talking about otherwise.

“Hum, I’m looking for the Black Rabbit; do you know where could he be going?”

“The Black Rabbit? What Rabbit?” Asked Beverly.

“Well, the one who was searching gloves for the Queen, the Cheshire Cat told me you could help me find him.”

“What Cheshire cat?” Asked Jimmy.

His head feel again on the table and a loud bang followed when Beverly hit the table hard again. Alana wondered how the hell it wasn’t broken yet. Price woke up again and looked slightly annoyed.

“You must be mad,” Brian said in an off-handed manner.

This just outraged Alana, first because she was completely sane and second because they were all complete loonies, therefore they didn’t have the right to insult her that way.

“Well, aren’t you all?”

“Yes, exactly, which means you must be too.”

She rolled her eyes; he looked ridiculous with those fake bunny ears. She would never have thought she would see one of her colleagues wear anything like this.

“Well, whatever, I need to find the Black Rabbit.”

“Of course, the Rabbit, why didn’t you say it sooner?” Beverly exclaimed

“But I just...”

“We haven’t seen him today, though we wish. He is great company!” Price added

“And he always compliments my hats! Which you failed to do,” Beverly said in an offended way.

Alana thought her hat was ridiculous, but remembering how people could be strange here, she decided to humor her.

“Well, your hat is pretty.”

“I intended it to be spectacular, not pretty, but it’s probably because you’re mad that’s you can’t see it.”

She resisted the urge to roll her eyes again and wondered how she could make them help her now. She saw Beverly filling her cup of tea with spoonful of sugar, but she wasn’t stopping and Alana noticed she had now more sugar than tea.

“What are you doing?”

“Didn’t you say you wanted a cup of sugar?”

“No, I never did!”

“Well, yes you did, you could at least remember what you ask from your host!”

With that, Beverly took the sup and threw it away against her house’s walls. Alana jumped out in surprise, scared for a moment that the Hatter would attack her but then Beverly turned to her with a wide grin and soon enough she had another cup of tea refilled before her eyes. If they did that with all their cups, it was probably expensive in the end! She took the sugar and took just one spoonful, telling Beverly she would take care of that. She decided to go back to the topic of the Black Rabbit, in order to progress and make them forget about her imaginary rudeness. 

“I’m not sure I’ll even have enough time to find the Rabbit now, anyway.”

“Time? Oh it’s okay, we can go back sooner if you want,” Jimmy proposed.

“Go back sooner?”

“Yes, silly. If you need time, you take some, haven’t you heard it was important to take your time when you do something important?”

With that he started to fall asleep but was prevented again by Beverly. Once again, Alana hardly had time to take her cup off the table.

“He is right, take time if you lack some. It’s just like a cup of tea, if you don’t have any anymore, you refill it!” Brian said enthusiastically.

“But taking time doesn’t mean that you can literally take it.”

“And why not? Who said that? Look, I can grab a teapot! I can grab a watch and make it show any hour I want, can’t I?”

“It’s not the same! You can mess up a watch but that doesn’t…”

“Oh, don’t come here to give us lessons, that’s really rude, I thought you only wanted tea!” Brian protested.

“Paying tea with lessons could be a good idea, but those lessons would need to be good and anyway we never asked for payment, we are polite,” Beverly said before Alana could actually answer anything.

“Yes, it’s very impolite to say we were interested!”

She could feel they were starting to grow hostile, she had to make them understand, what the hell was wrong with them!

“But I never did! I just said that it was impossible to take time literally…”

“Who spoke about taking time?”

Alana sighed heavily, feeling that her head was starting to ache and if she didn’t stop herself, she could have let it fall on the table out of despair. But no, those wackos would just bang on the table and she didn’t want more of that. She took another cup of tea, while the trio was debating on whether or not it would be right to try to fill Beverly’s hat with tea, when suddenly the garden door opened and she saw Jack enter, he had a white suit and he ran toward the Hatter. She felt hope again, with him here, she wouldn’t need the help of those three idiots. He paid no attention to her and just pushed her away when she tried to talk to him.

“I’m late, Hatter, I’m late and I need gloves!”

“I made hats, not gloves!”

If she cared, Alana could have noticed that for once someone made a good logical point here, but right now all that mattered to her was that she finally found Jack.

“Jack, I was searching for you everywhere!”

He looked at her as if she was an annoying bug.

“You again? Weren’t you a monster last time I saw you?  Whatever, I need gloves!”

Zeller hit the table again to wake up Price, stopping Alana from speaking in the process and Jack asked the sleepy head:

“Do you have gloves for the queen?”

“No, what do you need gloves for?”

“The queen and the king are having a croquet party, and I must give her gloves. She will have my head taken off otherwise.”

“Here! I have some,” Beverly said while giving him gloves.

“Where did you get those?” Alana asked.

“As a Hatter, I also make gloves!”

She was about to tell her that she said the contrary barely a minute ago but choose not to and focused on Jack.

“What is this croquet party? Why do you have to carry gloves here?”

Jack rolled his eyes, growled she was asking stupid questions and ran away, Alana tried to run after him, but Brian (or the Marsh Hare) grabbed her arm and began to ask her questions:

“What is this party about?”

“I don’t know, that’s what I was asking, I have to get him!”

Beverly grabbed her other arm and also began with her question.

“Wouldn’t this be fun to go there too? Did the queen invite you?”

“No she didn’t, let me go, I have to catch Jack!”

“Well let’s all go!” Jimmy said.

Before she could tell, Alana was pushed out of the garden by the Mad Hatter and the Marsh Hare who were still holding her arms while the Dormouse followed. Jack was already far, he was really fast, but it was logical if he was a rabbit after all. This was beginning to be really annoying, and she began to wonder if she really wanted to get Jack. He was obviously not really in the mood to help and she wanted to go home. The three others were babbling about ravens and writing desks, and it was giving her a headache.

“I think I would rather go home actually.”

“Oh come on, you wouldn’t want to miss the party, but where does the queen live?” Asked the Hare

“I don’t know.”

“Neither do I,” Beverly declared

“Neither do I. No one does,” the dormouse concluded.

“I do know!”

They all raised their heads to see Will in a tree near them. Alana was about to tell Will he should stop climbing in trees because he was still not a cat, but the three others exclaimed in unison:

“The Cheshire cat!”

“You wanna find the queen’s palace?”

“I think I’d rather go home,” Alana said.

“Oh but you can’t get out of here without the queen’s help. She possesses the might to go away from here,” Will explained.

“Fine. Then I will go see her too. Where is she?”

“Oh, I’ll just show you. That idiotic queen is having crocket again, but she can’t play well. I’m not a crocket player because I’m a cat but it shouldn’t be that hard to hit a platypus correctly.”

Did she hear the word platypus? What the hell did it have to do with anything? He jumped from his tree and walked with them, and Alana felt her headache would only worsen.


	5. Chapter 5

At a point during their walk, Alana succeeded to free herself from the Hare and the Hatter’s grip, which was only a slight victory. She knew she got into a really big mess, she hoped the Queen would really help. While they were on their path she tried not to listen to their crazy conversations which were annoying and confusing, she never heard so many senseless things in her life! They finally found themselves before a big portal and a castle. She was stunned to see the castle was actually made with gigantic playing cards. What the hell?

“Will…I mean cat, what kind of castle is that.”

“You never saw of castle of cards? Where do you think the queen and king of Hearts could live?”

“Of Hearts? Does that mean they are nice or…”

“More likely that queen could devour your heart if she could! I’m sure her tarts are made with hearts!”

There were several bush cut to look like hearts, it would have been kind of cute if it wasn’t for Will’s last words, now it just looked sinister. Then, as they entered the garden bordering the castle, Alana was stunned to see living playing cards walking around. They were all flat except for their heads and arms. She turned to Will to ask him what the hell were those but she saw he wasn’t here anymore, only the trio of wackos.

“Where is the cat?”

“Oh he disappeared. Now, on the ground,” Jimmy ordered.

They threw themselves on the ground and Alana did the same, not understanding why but maybe they had a good reason.

“Why do you want us to do this?”

“Because if the queen sees us, she will have us beheaded.”

“What?!”

“Yes, we weren’t invited, so she will probably not like it. But if we stay on the ground, they probably won’t see us.”

“Yes they will,” Alana objected. “Why the hell did you want to come here if you knew we could be beheaded!”

“Stay down,” Beverly demanded, while pushing on her back so she couldn’t get up.

Though scared at first, Alana realized the living cards actually weren’t paying any attention to them, so she wasn’t able to tell whether or not they couldn’t see them or if they just didn’t give a damn. She stayed like this while the cards were preparing the ground for the croquet game. She heard trumpets and saw other cards escorting two people who were obviously the king and the queen. As they walked closer, Alana saw it was none other than Frederick Chilton and Freddie Lounds. What the hell!

“Oh God, if I have to ask Lounds to help me, I’m really screwed.”

Alana noticed Jack was with them, Bella at his side. They approached and Freddie spotted them on the ground. She approached like a fury and yelled:

“Who is that?! Stop putting your head against the ground!”

Alana was already looking at her but the three other looked up, with huge seemingly innocent smiles on her face. Lounds started to yell even louder:

“I told you three not to show up to my parties again! You keep disobeying! Off with their heads!”

Alana was shocked to hear that, and was about to protest as guards dragged them away, but Chilton came at Freddie’s side and asked:

“Who is that, I believe we didn’t see her already.”

Alana stood up and attempted to introduce herself:

“My name is Alana Bloom; I came because I need your help...”

“Were you invited?” Asked the Queen

“No, because I just came into...”

“OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!”

Alana started to panic but Frederick objected the queen’s hysterical demand.

“Come on dear; let’s see if she can play croquet well, we wouldn’t want to lose a player like this.”

“Ah, you’re right,” Freddie agreed, “You can keep your head for now. But who are you?”

Before Alana could answer, she was interrupted by Jack’s voice:

“I know her, she destroyed my house! I simply asked her to help me find your gloves because Bella wasn’t here, and she grew huge to wreck my home.”

“I couldn’t be here because I was running with the Dodo, to dry myself,” Bella explained.

The king and the queen didn’t seem to mind and they told Alana to join their game. She was surprised to see the three mice she came across when she was on the sea. They were holding live flamingos and at their feet were lives platypus and it didn’t take her much time to understand they would play croquet with those. She realized that what Will actually told her earlier about hitting platypuses was accurate, they really were hitting platypus. She didn’t what was the craziest in all this…Shaking away those thoughts, Alana reminded herself that she could be in danger and she wondered what would happen to Beverly, Jimmy and Brian, would they really lose their heads? To be honest she had no desire to play this stupid game, especially with Lounds but she had to comply, she didn’t want to lose her head too. She was given a flamingo but had difficulty holding it properly. The beast was moving too much.

“You never played croquet didn’t you?”

She turned round to see Hannibal standing at her side and it made her jump in surprise. It seemed like he popped out of nowhere but nobody seemed to care. What was he doing here?

“I thought you were a caterpillar.”

“I am, but I also can grow by eating mushrooms. I came to watch the game.”

“How do I use that?”

She gestured toward the flamingo who was trying to escape from her hands and Lecter looked at her as if she was retarded.

“Well, pull on its neck, it’s logical.”

She did as she was told and the beast became stiff like a stick, and even if Alana thought it was cruel, she mused over the fact it was probably a very good tool. The platypus wasn’t difficult; it rolled itself into a ball. The queen was the first to play; though she did mediocre she was applauded by the crowd. Then one of the mice played and she did better. Alana expected the crowd to applaud again, but instead, she heard Lounds scream in a high-pitched voice:

“OFF WITH HER HEAD!”

The mouse was dragged away. The same thing happened with the two other players. Jack, Bella and Frederick looked annoyed but didn’t say anything. It was Alana’s turn and she carefully made a miserable score. This seemed to work as the Queen didn’t say anything.

“The queen is a really bad player, uh?”

Alana saw Will sitting on a high wall, everyone turned to look at him. Hannibal smiled at him but the queen shrieked hysterically and threw her platypus at him. Will jumped away to avoid it, and Alana could swear she heard a ‘meow’ while he did.

“I HATE THAT CAT!”

“Why is that?” Asked Alana

“Because he is crazy!”

“But I thought everyone was.”

Freddie rolled her eyes and threw her a condescending look.

“Of course we all are, but it doesn’t matter, as long as everyone is crazy my way. If someone is crazy in a different way, then I don’t like them.”

“Well, you’re pretty much like the real Freddie Lounds then.”

“What?”

“Sorry I was just speaking out loud.”

“You’re speaking nonsense. Now bring me another platypus so I can play my croquet!” The queen yelled at some cards.

“She should smoke the hookah, she would relax,” Hannibal muttered at Alana.

It made her smile a little while the king took it turn. He did better than the queen, but she couldn’t behead him, so instead she pouted childishly before taking her turn again. She missed completely and stomped her foot before throwing her flamingo on the floor. Hannibal left, even though Alana wished he stayed because even if he had a tendency to be harsh since she came here, he was still the closest thing to a friend she had here. They continued to play for some minutes, Alana still careful not to win. She was surprised to see Beverly, Jimmy and Brian coming back.

“I thought you were dead.”

“We’re better, look we got our head sewed back!”

She saw indeed that they had stitches around their necks and felt a shiver of disgust.

“Hannibal did that, he is good with sewing heads back,” The Hatter explained.

Freddie spotted them and Alana feared she would have them executed again but instead she said:

“Mad Hatter! I want another hat soon enough.”

“It will be done,” Beverly assured.

Alana was reassured to see that Freddie obviously forgot her wish to kill those three, even though they were annoying, she didn’t wish them to die. After playing and failing purposefully again, Alana saw Hannibal coming back with Will this time.

“Will, hum…I mean Cheshire cat, shouldn’t you leave? I mean she is gonna kill you if she sees you.”

“Nah, she won’t catch me, I’ll disappear again. And it’s funny to see her scream. Maybe we should do something to make her very angry, what do you think?”

“Oh I agree on that,” Hannibal said. “And if she cut off your head I can still sew it back anyway.”

“I can vanish in the air, I don’t need that.”

“I was speaking to the little miss here,” Hannibal said gesturing toward Alana.

“No! Don’t even think of it,” Alana warned almost threateningly.

Though both of them looked annoyed, she wouldn’t budge, she was getting fed up. If playing this stupid game couldn’t make her obtain a favor and go back home, she would definitely murder someone! And she wouldn’t let anyone sew her head, or cut it in the first place! Alana heard the queen ask for her tarts, with a shiver she remembered what Will said about her tarts made with hearts. If he had been right about the platypuses, could he be right about that? It scared her and she was starting to wonder when this game would end when she heard the queen shriek again.

“My tarts had been stolen! Who stole my tarts!”

Freddie looked everywhere and saw Will who grinned hugely at her.

“It must be that damn cat! Take him!”

However, the ‘cat’ disappeared in a blink, leaving only Alana and Hannibal.

“Impossible, cats don’t eat tarts,” Jack objected.

“Then it’s you! It’s always the strangers and the weird ones!” Freddie yelled while pointing at Alana. “OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!”

“No, I didn’t! It’s not me!”

“Yes, I don’t like you, then it’s you!”

She was shocked and scared when she felt two cards grab her arms in spite of her protests. Once again however the King of Hearts saved her, at least temporarily:

“Come on, let’s not kill her like that, let’s make a trial first.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s funny and that game starts to bore me,” Chilton simply said.

The queen shrugged and accepted. Alana was relieved that she wouldn’t be killed right away, maybe she had a chance. Yet it hit her that those chances were probably very thin. After all, what could she really expect in a mad trial?


	6. Chapter 6

Alana was brought quickly in a big judgement room, she was surrounded by guards. It was almost hard to decipher the guards from the walls, as they were all cards. She was standing before the judge, who was none other than the king, while the queen was at his side. Alana was puzzled when she noticed that the king’s hammer was nothing but a fluffy purple platypus. It was probably the weirdest cuddly toy she saw and it was really a strange hammer for a trial. It gave her a slight idea of what her trial would look like. She saw men and animals with clothes taking place in the room. When everyone was sitting down, Chilton hit his desk with his ‘hammer’ and spoke:

“Now everyone, I want silence for our next case: this estranged woman is accused of stealing the queen’s tarts.”

“The sentence is death!” The queen yelled

“But you have to judge me first!”

“I’ll do as I wish, you idiot,” yelled Freddie again.

“It wouldn’t be fun if it ended now,” Frederick said.

“Am I not supposed to have a lawyer? Alana asked.

The king and the queen seemed confused and looked at each other as if she said something strange. Hannibal appeared out of nowhere at Alana’s side and declared:

“I’m okay to be her lawyer!”

Then Will appeared at her other side:

“Me too!”

“ARG! OFF WITH YOUR HEAD, CAT!” The queen screamed at the top of her lungs.

“Wait, you can’t kill me,” Will said.

“Why not?”

“Because I’m a lawyer!”

Freddie was silenced at this, her furious expression replaced with an impressed and thoughtful one. Alana wondered how the hell that could change anything. She also wondered if she really wanted Will as her lawyer, but well, there was no one who could really be a good lawyer here apparently. The queen and her husband nodded at each other

“You’ve made an excellent point! Okay, cat, you can stay,” Freddie concluded.

Will gave Lecter a questioning look and asked:

“By the way, caterpillar, what does a lawyer do?”

“I don’t know, I never heard that word before but it sounds fun!”

Alana threw her head in her palms out of desperation, she was screwed! She breathed in and tried to explain in the simplest way:

“You two are supposed to defend me so I don’t get beheaded!”

“Ah” They made in unison.

They heard the king hit the desk with his hammer and call the first witness. Alana was stunned to see Abel Gideon appear, still in this ridiculous purple attire. She remembered he was called Dodo here.

“Dodo, can you tell us what you know?”

“Well, I can tell you that this woman is certainly guilty. I do know it because when there was an inundation and we were all nicely drying, she refused to run with us, as she should have.”

“I was simply too busy...”

“Silence,” the king yelled at her. “And did that run went well?”

“Yes very well, we were all perfectly dry, I think the Rabbit’s wife here can say it was.”

Bella nodded and was called to confirm that the run went well. Alana wanted to ask what the hell it had to do with anything but she stopped herself as she heard Hannibal and Will talking about whether or not hookahs could be toxic for cats.

“I assure you, my hookahs are harmless, only tabby cats could get poisoned, but I don’t think it could make a Cheshire cat sick.” 

“If I don’t get poisoned, I would gladly visit you on your mushroom,” Will said, “but are you sure…”

“Guys! Can you please focus on my trial?!”

Both looked at her as if they had suddenly forgotten why they were here. Hannibal’s next words confirmed her suspicions.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m gonna be beheaded because I’m accused of stealing the Queen’s tarts! But it’s not me, and right now, Dodo is explaining everyone why their run was so efficient and it has nothing to do with it!”

Indeed, Dodo was talking again to explain why sunny and windy weathers were better for running but the lack of wind didn’t affect so much theirs.

“What do you want us to do?”

“I don’t know, say ‘objection’!”

“Okay,” Will said. “OBJECTION!”

Everyone turned toward him and Alana had a slight trace of hope at this. Maybe it would be her chance to speak and defend herself. The king seemed surprised and asked:

“What is it cat?”

“Ah? I don’t know, she just told me to say this.”

Alana closed her eyes and sighed heavily in despair, resisting the urge to throw her face in her palms again.

“I just want to say this has nothing to do with my trial, I didn’t steal the tarts!”

“I’m the only one to judge that, Mr Dodo’s testimony is of high importance!”

“Why?!”

“Because I said so!”

Alana knew there was no point arguing. Chilton was crazy, but he was king and she was in his country. Yet at her relief, in spite of Chilton’s interest for the run on the beach, Gideon was dismissed by the queen’s high pitched orders and Jack was called instead.

“How do you know this woman?”

“She came to my home, I told her to find the queen’s gloves, but instead she ruined my home by growing giant with some food.”

 “Wait, it was biscuits I found in your home...”

“Silence!”

“And she scared little Jill, my gardener.”

“She is the one who scared me, she tried to…”

“SILENCE!”

This time it Freddie who yelled, almost making everyone’s ears bleed. Alana gulped, how could she defend herself if she couldn’t speak? Plus those accusations were all silly, why did it matter that she didn’t run with the others? And the biscuits she got were Jack’s biscuits, not hers; he couldn’t blame her if he had such things in his home. And what were her damn lawyers doing again? Hannibal whispered at her ear:

“Seems like you’re in a very bad situation.”

She threw him a death glare and did the same to Will who was nodding thoughtfully, still grinning. Then it was Beverly, the Mad Hatter, who was called.

“She invited herself at our tea party and she didn’t even compliment me on my hat!”

“Were you wearing this hat?”

“Yes my King.”

“It’s a very spectacular. Why didn’t you notice this?”

“Well, I was just busy trying to find the Black Rabbit and I asked for their help…”

“She asked me for a cup of sugar, then she said she denied that and I had to break one of my loveliest cup to clean it from all that sugar.”

Alana wanted to protest to say she never asked any cup of sugar and that anyway breaking a cup wasn’t a way to clean it, but she was stopped by the judge once again.

“Then” Beverly continued, “she said some things about not being able to grab time like I could grab a cup of tea.”

“And what are those tea cups made of?”

“While it’s fine porcelain I’m sure…”

While Beverly was talking about her tea and her porcelain dishes, Alana sighed heavily, knowing that she would probably not get out of this. She hoped Hannibal would put her head right in place. Now that she thought about it, it was somehow funny, as a psychiatrist he was indeed the right person to put a head back on someone’s shoulders whenever they lost it, but she never thought he could _literally_ do it before. She looked at him and saw he was already preparing his needle and his threads.

“Is this for me.”

“Yes, but don’t worry, it shouldn’t hurt too much.”

Alana shivered in fear, even if she knew he could do it, the idea of losing her head was still very scary. She was about to ask how much when she noticed that Will was sniffing her.

“What are you doing?”

“You have something on you that smell weird.”

She was about to say that it wasn’t true, but then she realized he was speaking about the mushrooms she had in her pockets. She took the white one and threw it in her mouth. Then she grew up huge, and smiled to herself. If she was a giant, they couldn’t kill her! The king and the queen appeared afraid. Freddie screamed she was afraid of giants and ran out of the room. The king seemed outraged.

“What are you doing? You can’t be so huge for your trial.”

“I don’t see why, this trial is ridiculous! Nothing makes sense; your accusations are just plain stupid!”

She felt something crawling up her body then and she looked on her shoulder to see it was Will who climbed on her giant form.

“Will, get away from my shoulder.”

“You should wake up Alana!”

“What?”

“Alana!”

With a jump, Alana jerked awake and though she was expecting to be in a judgement room, she saw she was in Jack’s office. She saw Will standing at her side, watching her with concerned eyes. It had been a dream! Thank God it had been a dream.

“Are you alright?”

“Oh god, I was dreaming...You were a cat, and a terrible lawyer!”

She didn’t pay attention to Will’s dumbfounded expression and stood from the chair she was in. She had to go home.

“Where is Jack?”

“I don’t know, I came here to see him too.”

“Well, he probably forgot me. I slept anyway. I definitely have to tell you about it, it was completely crazy. Jack was a rabbit and Hannibal a caterpillar and also a terrible lawyer.”

The two left the office, Alana still trying to explain her weird dream to a confused Will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this story, I loved to write this, don't hesitate to tell me what you thought, constructive criticism are always appreciated.


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